"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

Second Samuel Chapter 12 Verse 23
"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

I first read this passage while completing the Books of Samuel for our group project. 
The second time I came across this passage was in a classmate's blog.
And the third time I came across this passage was just today, after reading another classmates blog.

I repeat this passage over and over in my head and my heart hurts and my eyes weep the tears that I did not know were so close to already spilling over onto my cheeks.  This blog is not about a close reading of the text.  It may not show how much I have learned in class or through reading the various texts we have been assigned.  In fact, I am not sure what this blog really is about...perhaps, the power of literature in the way that it perpetuates thought and emotion?  Perhaps it is about how a single text can bring so many different people together?  Of all this I am unsure...

Here is a true story:  On Veteran's Day my group met to discuss our project.  Six of assembled in the SUB and then split up to take a field trip to the Dollar Store in search of props for our presentation.  Natalie road along with me and we began the discussion of the usual "getting to know you" bullshit that often fills the time when you are forced to be alone with someone and figure that unimportant babble is better than awkward silence.  Natalie shared with me that she was taking two classes, supplementing her Science classes with English Literature, and trying to deal with an unfortunate hand that life had recently dealt her; that being her father recently passed away while she was summiting a peak with him in Colorado.  (see her blog)  Indeed, it was horrible and a moment when most of us just don't know how to respond.  I didn't know what to say, but when I opened my mouth to breath I found myself telling her "I can imagine how you feel and that I too lost my father unexpectantly while in college..."  I'm not sure I will ever forget the look on her face, of astonishment, somewhat scared, and almost lifeless.  It was a strange beginning to a new friendship. 

We spent the day looking for art supplies and chatting about our project, but mostly talking about our fathers, our experiences, our questions, all while spilling our emotions as if we had known each other for years.  Natalie said her father didn't believe in coincidence and she didn't think that she did either.  I don't know what I believe and I'm not sure I will ever solidify a particular belief.  I do know this:  perhaps a friendship was formed when one person needed a friendly ear because nobody else knew how to listen...and the other person just needed a friend because after being in Montana for a year and a half she still hadn't found any connections...but most amazing the same day that I got to know Natalie was the same day, 8 years earlier, that my own father suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack.  Coincidence?

The verse I mentioned at the beginning of this blog coincides with David morning for his first born son with Bathsheba.  His servants ask him why he fasted and wept for the child while it was alive and now that it is dead he rises and eats.  David says that he was hoping the Lord would be gracious to him and let his son live, but now he is dead (as the Lord said he would be) and there is nothing David can do.  "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."  If  you haven't noticed, there is an awfully large amount of murder and death in the Old Testament.  Of all the emotions and uncomfortable situations that the OT brings up, I have never been able to grab onto any real sense of sadness.  Call me crazy, but I have been looking for the kind of gut-wrenching-grab you by the heart-and knock you over kind of emotion.  Even a glimpse of the same emotion one gets while watching a really good movie...but so far it has been the real lives of my classmates that have brought this emotion upon me.

In Lisett's blog she tells our class about the very recent death of her boyfriend of three years, the man she felt she was to marry and spend the rest of her life with.  He was in a car accident and didn't survive.  Lisette blogs that she knows she needs to move on with her life and not remain stagnant.  She compares her situation to that of Jacob's after he loses Sarah.  Again, it reminds me of the passage I keep referring to in Second Samuel.  It hurts me.

Literature is powerful.  Life is compelling.  There are many great and beautiful passages in The Bible, but I believe the most gorgeous literature is the one that speaks to you and that doesn't just pull, but rips your heart out.  I weep because I know not what else to do.  Even while writing this blog my heart hangs heavy and my head rings loud.  To Natalie and her father, Lisette and her boyfriend, to my own father, and to everyone else who read's this and has suffered and knows not how to move on...perhaps we should take a lesson from David and cease our fasting and rise again because "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."