Something has been planted

It’s true; something inside me has been planted. Or perhaps something that had begun to die has been nurtured and is on track to make a full recovery.

For the first time, I am sad that this class has come to an end. Honestly, I’m not sure if it’s the literature, Dr. Sexson, or my classmates. I feel privileged to have studied with such intelligent minds, beautiful minds, and emotional minds. It has been a pleasure to become enlightened to the perceptions of my classmates…the film students, the strictly Lit majors, the future teachers, and the students who took this class simply for the knowledge and enjoyment. As I have said before, literature is powerful. Literature is emotional. I believe that literature explains what science cannot begin to hypothesize. Today’s class ended unlike any class I have ever attended. It was sad. It was inspiring. I left feeling full and empty all at once.

I don’t know what to say about The Bible that hasn’t already been said. I wonder if it had a soundtrack, what songs would be played?

Songs of Bach that I enjoy: Sleepers Wake, Cello Suite No. 3

I feel like there is so much to say, but no words come to my mind. I don’t know how to describe the feeling in my gut that pokes at my heart…that spills tears from my eyes and numbs my brain. I can imagine that someone out there understands. Perfection really is everywhere; even in the cold shack I call my home, for I live on the sacred mountain.

Suffering Paper

In an attempt to fully convey the parallels of suffering in The Bible, Issac Bashevis Singer’s, The Slave, and the blogs written for Biblical Foundations of Literature it is nearly impossible to make any valid claims in a strictly formal report. Thus being said, the following text is revealed in both a formal and personal level to truly depict the effects of suffering and this emotions influence in literature and reality.


After a complete reading of The Bible and The Slave it is not difficult to identify the direct parallels between the Old Testament and The Slave. Throughout the Old Testament suffering is clearly depicted through multiple characters, cultures, and situations. Similarly, in The Slave suffering can be traced throughout the entire book by a close examination of the characters Jacob and Sarah (also known as Wanda, but for the entirety of this analysis will be identified as Sarah). It is also necessary to trace the suffering of non-fictional people and closely examine their strife in comparison to both biblical characters and fictional characters Jacob and Sarah. It is simply not enough to point out particular instances of suffering since it is apparent that the entire Old Testament appears to be book after book of someone, or even whole nations suffering. Instead, I am most concerned with the different levels in which people suffer. Does suffering and love parallel each other? Can one exist without the other? Can a certain sense of beauty be found in suffering that could not have been found without love?

Biblical Suffering

As previously stated, the Old Testament is filled with multitudes of suffering. Specifically, I find the suffering of Hannah (First Samuel), David (Second Samuel), and Job (Book of Job) suggests different levels of suffrage. In the book of First Samuel, Hannah is desperate to conceive a child and pray’s to God fervently, saying “O Lord of hosts, if only you will look on the misery of your servant, and remember me, and not forget your servant, but will give to your servant a male child, then I will set him before you, as a Nazarite until the day of his death” (1Samuel 1:11). In her suffering, Hannah’s genuine desires prompt her to mercifully praise God as she confesses her love to him. Is it because of Hannah’s true love for God that she suffers so greatly? Hannah seems to understand the love God has for her and she desires to return an equal love to God by raising a son who will also be a servant to God. Hannah suffers regarding the lack of something that she never had thus showing one can suffer without loss.

Job, a righteous man loses his home, family and health as a result of a bet between God and Satan. He is covered in boils and suffers from the physical pain, but also the pain of seemingly being rejected by God. Before Job’s three friends decided that Job is guilty of sin and is being punished “They sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was great” (Job 2:13). Unlike Hannah, Job suffers because of what he has lost.

David, King of Israel is not exempt from suffering because he is God’s chosen leader. Like Job, his suffering is a result of having lost something and in this case it is two of his children. In my opinion two of the most emotional passages in The Bible are found in David’s response to having lost his kin. When God punishes David for committing adultery and intentionally placing Bathsheba’s husband in fatal danger he strikes the first born son of David and Bathsheba. David mourns his loss and when asked by his servants why he ceases to mourn David replies, “I can go to him, but he will not return to me” (2 Samuel 12:23). David suffers in being alone and having lost what he shall never be able to regain. Likewise, when Absalom, David’s rebellious son is slain, David publically weeps “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! Would I had died instead of you, O Absalom, my son, my son!” (2 Samuel 18:33). Through David’s lament one cannot help, but feel the emotions suffering in literature conveys to the reader as real emotion. David, like Hannah and Job suffers because he loves.

The Slave Suffering

Jacob, a Polish Jew survives the massacres and instead of death is sold into slavery and placed on a mountain as a laborer. “A passage from the Song of Songs came to his mind: Many waters cannot quench love; neither can the floods drown it. (Singer, 36)” In this case, Jacob’s suffering stems from an innocent love for God. When Jacob begins to lust for Sarah and eventually falls in love with the gentile “He murmured a prayer: “Lord of the universe, remove me from this world, before I stumble and arouse Thy Wrath... He had now become a man at war with himself” (36). Is Jacob’s love for Sarah and his devotion to God a direct cause of his suffering? Jacob’s situation, similar to Job’s, seems to create suffering thus alluding to the answer that without love one cannot truly suffer.

Sarah, a gentile converted to a Jew after falling in love with Jacob seems to suffer happily throughout the entire novel. I question if Sarah actually suffers more than Jacob because of her innocence. Her genuine love for Jacob and her desire to be Jew seem to lead her down a path destined to be filled with grief. How can sincere feelings of joy only result in suffering? Are people destined to suffer as a result of uncontrollable emotions and circumstances? Singer writes of Sarah, “Her only special merit had been the suffering which had set her apart from childhood: sorrow and longing had always been part of her” (215). After giving birth and shortly before her death Sarah says, “Be quiet, Jacob. My sorrow speaks, not I. I can no longer be silent” (218). It appears that in Sarah’s death her suffering overthrows her ability to control her human emotions; again showing the power of grief.

Although the novel is plagued with sorrow it is also a prime example of love and absolute devotion. I ask myself how can a story consume my mind with terror and my heart with sadness, yet delight all of my senses when I consider the undying love of Jacob and Sarah for each other and for God? After Sarah has finally passed Jacob “felt a love such as he had never known before, but equally a helplessness” (242). There is an underlying sense of beauty in the suffering experienced by Jacob and Sarah. It is paradoxical that beauty and suffering can be related, but without love one does not truly suffer and with love there is beauty.

Blog and Human Suffering

After reading Natalie Brandsma’s blog entries an undeniable correlation between her recent experiences and those of Jacob in The Slave became clear. Previously, Natalie lost her father to death while attempting to summit Lone’s Peak in Colorado. Natalie writes that it was another typical day with blue skies and the suns radiant beams shining on their faces. Moments before reaching the summit her father is instantly taken from his earthly life and Natalie is sent plummeting into the arms of suffering. Currently her sorrow continues from “the depth of loss, of love, and of life.”

My relationship with Natalie has allowed me draw upon the idea that both suffering and literature are powerful mediums to overcome sorrow and perpetuate joy. Coincidentally my friendship with Natalie formed eight years to the day that my own father passed away from the same murderer that took Natalie’s father; a massive heart-attack. Is it again coincidence that a heart-attack, the explosion of death through the chambers of a life-sustaining organ, is the factor that can send two young women down the mountain of happiness into the swells of grief? Or perhaps, it is the power of literature that can bring two strangers together to again learn to suffer less and experience the joy of life. In regards to suffering, I find solace as Natalie writes:

“I continue to speak to myself using climbing metaphors: remember to breathe, put one foot in front of the other, focus on the path in front of you, and in this way, just keep going until you reach the top of this mountain too. I'm not sure that there will be any sort of "summit" experience, but focusing on putting one foot in front of the other helps me to get through each day, minute by minute.”

Similarly, Lisette Langdorf has also recently lost a loved one. She shares that the loss of her boyfriend has been devastating and an unimaginable tragedy in her young life. Lisette compares her current emotional situation to that of Jacob’s as she writes, “There is nothing that I can do to bring him back, so I just have to take this day by day. Just like Jacob did. Day by day.”

It appears certain that with suffering comes loneliness. Job feels alone while in the company of his three friends and David is left alone while mourning for his lost children. Lisette is alone without her best friend, the man she was to marry and spend a lifetime with, and Natalie was left alone on the side of a mountain. Natalie writes, “I have always embraced aloneness, and I believe that loneliness is part of the essence of the grief process. Loneliness is a part of the definition of grief,” which strikes me as being similar to Jacob’s enslavement on the mountain. After narrowly escaping death he is left alone to labor for another man and labor his emotions, beliefs, and faith for God. Jacob, like Natalie embraces aloneness in order to grieve and recuperate.

Conclusion

In life and in literature suffering exists and is necessary in telling the story. One could not fully understand what it feels like to love another without knowing how it hurts to lose. One can also never fully know how much they suffered unless, like Hannah, they have felt a desire so great that it consumes their every merciful prayer. Although tragic, suffering is beautiful. Natalie blogs that with the anguish she felt after her father’s death came “a strange gratitude” because the emptiness that she feels is “so deep because the man who left it was so great.” Lisette understands that without having lost a part of her she would not have gained new relationships and the joy she has found in others she recently did not know. By losing Sarah, Jacob discovered what it was to truly love another besides God who he had loved innately his entire life. Although perhaps the most terrifying emotion, truly suffering is not a moment lost, but a lifetime of knowledge of love and beauty gained. Literature is power. Life is compelling. It connects fictional characters and situations to real life emotions and reminds us that we are not the only ones to endure such pain.

Paper Slide Show

Biblepres

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Samuel

If you find that it is the night before the final and you didn’t read the Books of Samuel and you can only remember David and Bathsheba’s love scene, as well as a bunch of red-stained cotton balls from the presentation…DON’T WORRY!  Here are some tidbits you might want to remind yourself of for the final.

Samuel - The last of Israel’s judges and the prophet who anoints both Saul and David as king. Samuel fulfills political and priestly duties for Israel, but he ushers in Israel’s monarchy mainly as a prophet—one who pronounces God’s words and decisions. Samuel’s stoic and aloof position in Israel allows Saul to struggle with God and his fate on his own.

David-  David is a strong but unassuming shepherd who becomes God’s choice to replace Saul as king of Israel. He is humble yet self-possessed, readily dismissing human opinion. His humility becomes clear early in his youth, when he kills the giant Goliath with a sling stone, declining the opportunity to use Saul’s royal armor. As king, his foremost quality is obedience to God. For example, when his wife expresses embarrassment at David’s dancing while he marches into Jerusalem, he rebukes her, boasting that he will embarrass himself so long as it pleases God.

David’s mercy to others displays his selflessness—a product of his strenuous commitment to ethical ideals. His sense of propriety is striking when he refrains from killing Saul while Saul has his back turned. David scorns the easy opportunity to attack because he feels it would be morally wrong to strike God’s current anointed ruler. As king, David forgives the kingdom’s traitors, and executes the traitors of his enemies. When his own rebellious son dies, David cries aloud in public, “O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom!” (2 Samuel 18:33). His weeping suggests the depth of a father’s blind love for his son.

David’s mercy may also be interpreted as a product of his political aspirations. David refuses to kill Saul because he senses that whatever standards he imposes against the current king may one day be used against himself as ruler. Moreover, seeds of revolt have already been planted in the northern tribes of Israel by David’s reign, and the kingdom’s unity may be on shaky ground. King David shows mercy to his traitors, especially Absalom, because he wishes to quell emotions and court the graces of all his subjects. By this reading, David appears to be a pragmatist—one who acts not out of his or her ideals, but on the basis of what is practical or expedient. However, the Old Testament ultimately seems to suggest that David’s religious ideals do not conflict with his pragmatism.

Saul - Israel’s first king. After God chooses Saul to be king, Saul loses his divine right to rule Israel by committing two religious errors. Saul acts as a character foil to David, because his plot to murder David only highlights David’s mercy to Saul in return. Saul’s inner turmoil over the inscrutability of God’s exacting standards makes him a sympathetic but tragic figure.

Has the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices,
as in obedience to the voice of the Lord?
Surely, to obey is better than sacrifice,
and to heed than the fat of rams. . . .
Because you have rejected the word of the Lord,
he has also rejected you from being king.
           (1 Samuel 15:22–23)

Absalom - David’s son, who attempts to overthrow his father’s throne.   Absalom’s violent rise to power suggests that the evil that corrupts Israel comes from within.

Joab - King David’s loyal military commander. Joab serves as a foil to David’s successful combination of religion and politics. Joab’s reasonable desire to see justice and retribution delivered to the kingdom’s traitors emphasizes the unusual quality of David’s kindness to his enemies.

       Book of Samuel 1

• Samuel’s Birth, Youth and Call to Be a Prophet (chs. 1–3)
• Israel Defeated by the Philistines; the Ark of God Taken and Restored (chs. 4–7)

·         The people’s sinful request for a king (ch. 8)

·         Samuel anoints Saul privately (9:1—10:16)

·         Saul chosen to be king publicly (10:17–27)

·         Saul’s choice as king confirmed (11:1–13)

·         Saul’s reign inaugurated at a covenant renewal ceremony (11:14—12:2

·         Saul’s Kingship a Failure (13:1—16:13)

·         David enters Saul’s service (16:14—17:58)

The Rise of David…

• David becomes alienated from Saul (chs. 18–19)
• Jonathan protects David from Saul (ch. 20)
• David continues to elude Saul (21:1—22:5)
• Saul kills the priests at Nob (22:6–23)
• David rescues the people of Keilah (23:1–6)
• Saul continues to pursue David (23:7–29)
• David spares Saul’s life (ch. 24)
• David threatens Nabal’s life (ch. 25)
• David spares Saul’s life again (ch. 26)
• David enters Achish’s service (ch. 27)
• The End of Saul’s Reign (chs. 28–31)

        Book of Samuel 2

• David’s Lament over Saul and Jonathan (ch. 1)
• David Becomes King over Judah (chs. 2–4)
• David Becomes King over All Israel (5:1–5)
• David Conquers Jerusalem (5:6–25)
• David Brings the Ark to Jerusalem (ch. 6)
• God Promises David an Everlasting Dynasty (ch. 7)
• The Extension of David’s Kingdom (ch. 8)
• David’s Faithfulness to His Covenant with Jonathan (ch. 9)
• David Commits Adultery and Murder (chs. 10–12)
• David Loses His Son Amnon (chs. 13–14)
• David Loses His Son Absalom (chs. 15–20)

Ruth, Esther, and a GOOD DAY!

Thought about the book of Ruth


Written by a woman? Seems to be, except for the final genealogy report.

And what exactly happened to the two sons of Naomi? Were they hit by the bus? Was it because of the intermarriage?

(Side note: Does anyone else see OPRAH when they read Orpah?)

It would probably be a shame if I didn’t mention possibly the most possibly moving passage in the Bible...Ruth says, "Do not press me to leave you or to turn back from following you! Where you go, I will go; where you lodge, I will lodge; your people shall be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will die-there will I be buried. May the Lord do thus and so to me, and more aw well, if even death parts me from you!” You just don’t see this type of dedication everyday! Ruth loves Naomi, mother of her deceased husband, and shows her love by following Naomi to Bethlehem

So, Ruth remarries Boaz and everyone is happy. That’s it. Everyone seems to like the Book of Ruth and I can see why. It’s simple, it’s happy, and it’s easy to read. It doesn’t shove any laws down your throat and God isn’t smiting anyone. Perfect.

Esther

It seems that we dove into this book at just the right time. With all of the feasting these people are doing (I think I noted 10 different meals!) it got me in the mood for Thanksgiving and then for the multiple feasts of leftover that take place in the following days. Delicious!

So let me get this straight, King Ahasuerus gets all liquored up on “royal wine” and then wants to show his woman off to all of his buddies, but she doesn’t feel like being objectified so he kicks her to the curb? Hmmm, and women wonder where men learned such behavior. Again, I guess we will blame the bible. However, I just told my boyfriend the same story and he said “I think we both just learned a valuable less here: Be a good woman and listen to your husband.” He’s not serious, he’s from Vermont.

So perhaps this little blog is turning more into an “oh my goodness are you kidding me?” blog because as I reread Esther I see that approaching the King uninvited, even if you are his wife, is punished by the death penalty? Whoa. Let’s talk about patriarchy.

Alright, after all of the crazy rules and woman ruling the book gets better. I followed my reading up with a little youtube searching and found a trailer to the Veggie Tales version “Esther...the girl who became a queen” and found it to be fairly accurate and more than mildly entertaining. I was having a hard time figuring out exactly what this book was about because it read like multiple stories I have read before, movies that I have watched, and situations I have seen people confronted with in reality. I guess, the book of Esther is simply about the courage to do what’s right. Is that too simple? Chapter 4 verse 14 says “For if you keep silent at such a time as this, relief and deliverance will rise for the Jews from another quarter, but you and your father’s family will perish. Who knows? Perhaps you have come to royal dignity for just such a time as this.” Esther really has no other choice than to help save her people, even if her attempt results in her own death. Ya, I like this story. It’s been made into many movies (other than Veggie Tales) that are based loosely on the book...I can see why. In fact, this may be the plot of about 80% of all of the movies I have seen.



In closing, I want to add a note about “having a good day”... I have dedicated a pretty lengthy blog about a having a bad day and it doesn’t seem right to only write a few sentences about a good day when I wrote a whole entry about a bad day, but then again some say that the stories of the Bible tell us to be more humble. At any rate...I had a good day! It’s been a helluva semester for me...I took too many classes and work too many hours. I’m trying to attain the elusive “straight A’s” but don’t really see that happening. I needed a break to catch up on schoolwork, sleep, and sanity. Finally, Thanksgiving break arrived. I headed down to Utah with the boyfriend and met up with his family. I cooked the entire Thanksgiving Day meal and everyone liked it. Our dogs played until they were exhausted and everyone was happy. There isn’t anything exciting to report, but it was a good day and for that I am thankful. It’s easy to point out the bad days and let the good days go by the wayside. So, here is my good day blog and I can check that one off of the list.

David and Bathsheba

My section of the script from our puppet show today.

Narrator: David was thirty years old when he began he reign and he reigned for forty years. David conquers lands and gives away the land of Saul to Jonathan’s son. David also moves the ark around, God smites an innocent man from touching the ark even though the man was saving it from crashing to the ground. It’s your typical God in an unjustly angry situation. And all of this leads up to the story we all really want to hear…that being David and Bathsheba.


David is roaming around on the roof (or just around the set) and suddenly spots Bathsheba

Bathsheba is bathing (use water bottle to imitate the bath water)

David: Oh my! Who is that beautiful young lady I see cleansing herself? I care not what the price…I must have her for myself! I must have her at once!

Narrator: And indeed David insisted that Bathsheba would visit him immediately. He called upon one of his servants to retrieve Bathsheba from the water and bring her to him.

Bathsheba: Hello my Lord. I am Bathsheba.

David: Hello there lovely lady. Come, please lay down with me.

Bathsheba: Oh my Lord! You are quite forward, yet so handsome! I will lay down with you in an instant. I am sure my husband will not mind!

Narrator: And so Bathsheba and David proceeded to lay with each…and then Bathsheba returned to her house.

Bathsheba and David lay next to/on top of each other. Bathsheba goes to her home. (exits the set)

Narrator: Soon enough Bathsheba learns she is pregnant and sends a message to David to inform him of the news.

David makes a “shocked face”

David: Oh shit! Hmmm, I have an idea!

Narrator: And so it was that David told Joab to set Bathsheba’s’ husband Uriah at the front of the battle where he was sure to be killed. And he was. Bathsheba learned of her husband’s death and mourned

Bathsheba cries and now is showing that she is pregnant

Narrator: Once Bathsheba is finished mourning David brings her to his home and they get married.

David: I do.

Bathsheba: I do!

Narrator: However, David and Bathsheba did not simply live happily ever after because God was angry! So God sends Nathan as a messenger to tell David that he sucks at life.



Nathan: David, let me tell you a story.

There were two men in the same town: one a man of great wealth, and the other a poor man.

The man of wealth had great numbers of flocks and herds;

But the poor man had only one little she-lamb, which he had got and taken care of: from its birth it had been with him like one of his children; his meat was its food, and from his cup it took its drink, resting in his arms, and it was like a daughter to him.

Now a traveler came to the house of the man of wealth, but he would not take anything from his flock or his herd to make a meal for the traveler who had come to him, but he took the poor man's lamb and made it ready for the man who had come.

David: (obviously angered) As the Lord lives, the man who has done this deserves to die; he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity!

Nathan: You are the man! David, the Lord said that he anointed you and made you king, he rescued you from the hands of Saul and gave you your master’s house, and wives, and the house of Israel and Judah, and if that wasn’t enough he would have added more! But, you are evil and did these evil things right in front of the Lord. I’m sorry, but he’s got it out for you!

Narrator: And so it was that David and Bathsheba’s first born son became ill. David prayed and fasted hoping the Lord would forgive him of his ways and be merciful in sparing their son. Apparently in this situation the Lord decides to keep his word and allows the child to die.

David’s servants asked him why he stopped mourning after the death of his child, but all David could say was…

David: “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me”

Narrator: David console Bathsheba, then immediately sleeps with her. She conceives and gives birth to another son. They call him Solomon. The name means “replacement.

"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

Second Samuel Chapter 12 Verse 23
"I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."

I first read this passage while completing the Books of Samuel for our group project. 
The second time I came across this passage was in a classmate's blog.
And the third time I came across this passage was just today, after reading another classmates blog.

I repeat this passage over and over in my head and my heart hurts and my eyes weep the tears that I did not know were so close to already spilling over onto my cheeks.  This blog is not about a close reading of the text.  It may not show how much I have learned in class or through reading the various texts we have been assigned.  In fact, I am not sure what this blog really is about...perhaps, the power of literature in the way that it perpetuates thought and emotion?  Perhaps it is about how a single text can bring so many different people together?  Of all this I am unsure...

Here is a true story:  On Veteran's Day my group met to discuss our project.  Six of assembled in the SUB and then split up to take a field trip to the Dollar Store in search of props for our presentation.  Natalie road along with me and we began the discussion of the usual "getting to know you" bullshit that often fills the time when you are forced to be alone with someone and figure that unimportant babble is better than awkward silence.  Natalie shared with me that she was taking two classes, supplementing her Science classes with English Literature, and trying to deal with an unfortunate hand that life had recently dealt her; that being her father recently passed away while she was summiting a peak with him in Colorado.  (see her blog)  Indeed, it was horrible and a moment when most of us just don't know how to respond.  I didn't know what to say, but when I opened my mouth to breath I found myself telling her "I can imagine how you feel and that I too lost my father unexpectantly while in college..."  I'm not sure I will ever forget the look on her face, of astonishment, somewhat scared, and almost lifeless.  It was a strange beginning to a new friendship. 

We spent the day looking for art supplies and chatting about our project, but mostly talking about our fathers, our experiences, our questions, all while spilling our emotions as if we had known each other for years.  Natalie said her father didn't believe in coincidence and she didn't think that she did either.  I don't know what I believe and I'm not sure I will ever solidify a particular belief.  I do know this:  perhaps a friendship was formed when one person needed a friendly ear because nobody else knew how to listen...and the other person just needed a friend because after being in Montana for a year and a half she still hadn't found any connections...but most amazing the same day that I got to know Natalie was the same day, 8 years earlier, that my own father suddenly passed away from a massive heart attack.  Coincidence?

The verse I mentioned at the beginning of this blog coincides with David morning for his first born son with Bathsheba.  His servants ask him why he fasted and wept for the child while it was alive and now that it is dead he rises and eats.  David says that he was hoping the Lord would be gracious to him and let his son live, but now he is dead (as the Lord said he would be) and there is nothing David can do.  "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."  If  you haven't noticed, there is an awfully large amount of murder and death in the Old Testament.  Of all the emotions and uncomfortable situations that the OT brings up, I have never been able to grab onto any real sense of sadness.  Call me crazy, but I have been looking for the kind of gut-wrenching-grab you by the heart-and knock you over kind of emotion.  Even a glimpse of the same emotion one gets while watching a really good movie...but so far it has been the real lives of my classmates that have brought this emotion upon me.

In Lisett's blog she tells our class about the very recent death of her boyfriend of three years, the man she felt she was to marry and spend the rest of her life with.  He was in a car accident and didn't survive.  Lisette blogs that she knows she needs to move on with her life and not remain stagnant.  She compares her situation to that of Jacob's after he loses Sarah.  Again, it reminds me of the passage I keep referring to in Second Samuel.  It hurts me.

Literature is powerful.  Life is compelling.  There are many great and beautiful passages in The Bible, but I believe the most gorgeous literature is the one that speaks to you and that doesn't just pull, but rips your heart out.  I weep because I know not what else to do.  Even while writing this blog my heart hangs heavy and my head rings loud.  To Natalie and her father, Lisette and her boyfriend, to my own father, and to everyone else who read's this and has suffered and knows not how to move on...perhaps we should take a lesson from David and cease our fasting and rise again because "I shall go to him, but he will not return to me."